Digimon Tamers?
by Wakuseino
Summary: Well, my strange and unusual parody of Digimon Tamers... Now, most of the story's G, maybe PG... it's rated R because of Terriermon


  
**Digimon Tamers?**   
**By: _Dustin Perrault (Wakuseino)_**

**Part 1: The Chapter With No Decent Name**

It all started out innocently enough. Takato and Guilmon had finally had a day off from Ruki trying to kill Guilmon, and Jenrya and Terriermon being hunted down by a wild Digimon. In other words, there was nothing to do. 

Takato, with his weaker will, was the first to snap. 

"I can't take it anymore! I have to find something to do! Now!" Takato yelled at the top of his lungs. Guilmon, being the smart one, assisted Takato. 

"Takatomon... what did you do before you met memon?" Takato brightened up instantly. 

"Of course! I'll go and total Hirokazu at the card game! That's always fun!" Of course, then he remembered about Guilmon. 

"Uhh... Guilmon, could you just stay here and wait for me?" Takato began running off before shouting back at Guilmon. 

"Call my cell-phone if you need me!" 

Now, we could use a bunch of stars for the scene change, but on the off-chance of someone MST'ing this story, there will not. In fact, this entire paragraph exists only as a scene change. Thus, let us continue on. 

Takato had finally made it to the hang-out, and of course, Hirokazu was there. Of course, he was less than happy to see Takato. 

"Takato?! What the hell are you doing here?!" 

"Well, I was looking for a quick card game for something to do, and..."   
"Oh no, you don't! You've already stolen all my half-decent cards with your damn anté rule!!! I'm not playing with you again! I can't afford to lose anymore cards! Now get out of my sight, you bastard!" Takato carefully examined Hiroazu's rant before deciding that now was not the best time for a game. 

"Ok, ok... I'll find someone else to go battle... maybe I should call Lee..." Takato quickly pulled out his pocket to find... no cell-phone. 

"Oh, no... I left it with Guilmon again..." Takato muttered to himself before shrugging. 

"Oh well, time to head for Lee's place." Thus, Takato continued on his long trek. However, Takato was destined to never make it to Lee's place. Out of nowhere, Hirokazu hopped out of a bush in front of Takato. Of course, this raised a few questions in Takato's mind. 

"Hirokazu? How did you get in front of me so fast?" In response, Kazu laughed evilly. 

"I see my disguise worked perfectly, not like I was expecting anything less." Hirokazu stated, prompting a response from Takato. 

"What are you babbling about this time, Hirokazu?" In response Kazu once again laughed evilly. 

"Oh, you see, I'm not really Hirokazu at all..." With that Hirokazu ripped off his disguise to reveal... someone who looked exactly liked Hirokazu, but with worse fashion sense. 

"For I am really... Bertran! The greatest Digimon Tamer that ever lived! Leader of the Black Swords! King of Viral Digimon! In other words, I'M BETTER THAN YOU!" Bertran paused a moment after his rather large introductory sequence to let the words sink in before continuing. 

"However, you have a show, while I do not! That cannot be forgiven! You must die for your show!" 

Bertran laughed maniacally before showing off his trump card. Pulling a keyboard out of nowhere, he typed on it at a speed only possible in Japanese animation. Having finished that, he turned back to Takato. 

"Without your Digimon, I don't even have to send out a real Digimon to beat you." He stated, as three of every in-training Digimon in existance appeared in front of Takato. 

"Now, my army of weaklings! Kill!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Takato backed away, dodging bubble blasts as he went. Eventually, though, he met the fate of everyone backing up: hitting a dead end and being surrounded. Desperate and out of ideas on how to escape, he thought one thing to himself. 

_Where is everyone when you need them?_

Little did he know that at the exact same time in a very different place, Jenrya was thinking the exact same thing for a very different reason. Thus, we will now tune into what Jenrya was doing not too long ago. 

Jenrya and Terriermon, much like Takato and Girumon, had nothing to do. However, unlike the extreme boredom felt by Girumon and Takato, Jenrya and Terriermon felt nothing but relief. For once, nothing was trying to kill them, for any reason. At least, that was what Jenrya felt. However, Terriermon had other things on her mind. 

"Jen, I'm tired, aren't you? Why don't we go back to bed?" Jenrya raised an eyebrow at Terriermon. 

"Why would you be tired? We just woke up an hour ago... and even then, we haven't really done anything that would make us tired." Terriermon responded in the most seductive voice a rabbit could make. 

"Well, why don't we do something that would make us tired, Jen?" Suddenly, Jenrya gained a revelation. 

"You're trying to seduce me, aren't you, Terriermon?" 

"Yep!!! Now please, come to bed! I'm sure you'll like it as much as I will!" Jenrya quickly looked for the fastest exit out of the room, and decided he needed to buy some time. 

"Uhh... just give me some time to tell the other tamers, ok?" Terriermon nodded, and grabbed Jenrya's cell-phone off a table, set it to call Takato, and handed it to Jenrya. 

Jenrya hastily scanned the room again, and noticed that Terriermon had sealed the window. Normally that wouldn't be so bad. After all, Jenrya could always jump through it. However, the fact that the window was made of shatter-proof glass made it unlikely that Jenrya would be able to break it. 

Then, the cell-phone was answered. 

"Hellomon?" 

"Guilmon, is that you?" 

"Yesmon! And you're that Lee kid, rightmon?" 

"Yes... could you **PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE** get Takato and tell him get over here and save me?" 

"Ummmon... I don't exactly know where he ismon..." 

"Please, please... take all the time you like... just don't hang up the..." With that, Girumon hung up Takato's cell'. Terriermon was used enough to the sound of a cellular telephone enough that she caught it. 

"Well then... looks like it's time to tell Ruki!" Jenrya decided that now was his last chance, and charged for the only safe exit from the room, the door. However, he stopped when he heard something disturbingly familiar... the sound of a card-slash. 

What exactly happened next, Jenrya never figured out. The next thing he knew, he was tied up in chains. 

"Isn't bondage fun?" Terriermon interrogated, before bringing the phone to Jenrya's ear. 

"Now, tell Ruki." as soon as it was answered, Jenrya did the only thing he could do. 

**"HELP! I'M BEING RAPED BY A GIANT WHITE RABBIT!"** There was a brief delay on the other end before the response came. 

"I'm sorry, Ruki isn't here right now... But would you like me to give her a message? I'll make sure she gets it..." 

"Yes... this is Lee calling... tell Ruki to please kill me." 

_Where is everyone when you need them?_

Now, there are those of you who might like to know what Ruki's doing right now, and because the author's obsessed with Ruki, there's no way he's going to refuse writing about what Ruki's doing... this time... thus, we switch to where Ruki is: a random street in West Shinjuku. 

"Ok, Renamon. We have to find a way to stop that demon known as Culumon... if only we had some sort of clue where he is..." Ruki turned around to find that Renamon wasn't here. 

"Renamon? Where the heck are you?" Ruki looked around again, failing to find her. However, she did find one thing: the evil demon of cuteness known only as Culumon. 

"Dammit, Renamon, you alway choose the worse times to take off..." Then, Culumon latched onto her head. 

"Kuru kuru kuru... Suffer and sufficate, puny mortal, for I am cute!" Culumon cutely evilly screeched, making for one of the most unusual combinations of adjectives around. Culumon continued to latch onto Ruki, slowly cutting off her air supply, when something came to save her. No, it wasn't Renamon. It was something almost as evil as Culumon... 

"Ruki-chan, why do you have that teddy-bear on your head?" Culumon turned around, and saw what it was. 

"Aw, damn this planet... It's one of the Digi-Destined! Kuru kuru kuru... you got away this time, Makino Ruki... but be assured, I will get you..." Culumon cutely rasped to Ruki, before cutely hopping away from Ruki, and disappearing into the crowd. Ruki finally decided to see who rescued her, and found out the unfortunate truth: It was none other than Tachikawa Mimi's evil double: Ai Maeda. Upon seeing that, Ruki decided that it would be a good idea to do the same as Culumon and hide. However, she never had the chance. 

"Ruki-chan! Ruki-chan!" Ruki just stared at Ai Maeda, trying to gauge her chances of escaping. 

"Ruki-chan is what I named you." Ruki blinked a couple times, as the crowd kept changing there views between a poster of Tachikawa Mimi, and Ai Maeda. 

"What? How could you have named me? I've never met you before in my life!" 

"Ruki-chan! I'm your long lost mother!" Once again, Ruki blinked a couple times, before speaking the words of a very wise man. 

"...Huh?" However, Ruki's blinking bought Ai Maeda enough time to grab Ruki's shoulder. 

"Now! We're going to get you some more fitting clothes... clothes that a nice girl like you should wear..." Ruki tried to break away from Ai Maeda the second the heard the word "nice" to no avail. Ai Maeda's grip was much too strong. 

"No, Ruki, you're coming with me... because we're going SHOW-PING!!!!!!" At that point, Ruki only had one thing on her mind. 

_Why the hell isn't Renamon here to save me?!!!! Dammit, she's going to pay for this... along with this wacko... and Culumon... and half of Tokyo..._

Now, because shopping with Ai Maeda is such a torturous experience, we thought it would be best if we switch views, so thast the fragile minds of the readers aren't completely shattered. Thus, we now focus back on Takato. 

"Umm... why do you want to kill me again, Hirokazu?" Takato quickly interrogated, wanting to delay his gruesome death as much as possible. Bertran began yelling at Takato yet again. 

"For the last time!!! I'm not Hirokazu! I don't even KNOW anyone named Hirokazu! I'm Bertran! A Digimon Tamer! And I'm here to kill you because you stole my spotlight!!!" 

"How the hell can a person steal the spotlight from Kazu, the only guy that wears the Digimon symbol of Faith/Honesty/Sincerity/Reliability on his shirt?!!" At that exact moment, Ruki walked in, having escaped the evils of shopping with Ai Maeda. 

"Ow... my shoulder must have been bruised by that wacko..." Ruki muttered to herself before noticing what was going on between Bertran and Takato. 

"Takato? I thought your friend just thought Digimon was a card game?" Takato was elated. Finally, he would be saved. 

"Rika! You've finally come to save me!" under normal circumstances, Ruki would have ignored someone begging for help. However, Takato's shouting made it personal. 

"...Takato... did you just call me **RIKA?!!!!**" 

"Yeah... that's your name, isn't it?" Upon hearing Takato's response, little fires lit in Ruki's eyes. 

**"ANYONE THAT CALLS ME RIKA MUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"** With that, Ruki began slaughtering all the In-Trainings until they all disintegrated into data. Upon seeing this, Bertran decided it was time to go. 

"Umm... I'll get you some other time, Takato! Digi-Beetle!" With that, a tank burst out of a conveniently placed garage. Seeing the tank come out, Bertran quickly hopped onto it, whereupon both him and the tank disappeared, leaving Takato to face the wrath of an angry Ruki. 

"Now... which organ should I pull out the first... I hear the jugular vein makes a satisfyingly bloody show..." Takato, not quite understanding why Ruki wanted him dead, asked her one final question. 

"Why are you thinking about how to kill me, Rika?" Ruki set her face directly in front of Takato before answering him. 

"Rika's a guy's name! Do I look like a guy to you? **THAT** is why you must die!" Then, Girumon appeared. 

"Takatomon! Takatomon! Lee wants us to save him againmon!" Girumon saw the position of Ruki and Takato, and quickly came to a conclusion. 

"Takato... you're gaymon?"   
  
  


**_Author's Note: Whee... the remake's here, the remake's here! As for Terriermon, I'll always think Terriermon's female... but that's just me, apparently. Well, be afraid, because I'm also making part 2 later on... As I've said many times, this story is probably very strange. However, look at it this way: If I didn't let it out this way, who knows what might have happened? Well, I probably would have tried to take over the world using Powerpuff Girls NC-17 fanfics, but that's another story alltogether, isn't it? Thus, for now... cya._**


End file.
